I ended my marriage. I started dating. I was very scared about dating post-cancer because I had so many scars and changes, and I was worried that it might be some kind of baggage, you know? Like, “Oh no, who’s going to love me now knowing that I’ve been through this and that it could come back?” I didn’t live in that fear, but I acknowledge that that’s possible so it was really interesting.

I dated for fun. It was just a fun, playful thing. Then I met this guy named Tim. We met on a dating app, had dinner at this tea house in Boulder, and just hit it off right away. We just fell in love. We met one month before the COVID pandemic, which was hilarious.

If I’m going to be with someone, I need to be with somebody that I can really enjoy life with, especially when things get hard because they will get hard. That’s just life. Some other curveball will happen so I need someone that can make it fun, make it silly because I can do that. I need a partner for that, too.

Going into a pandemic was perfect for us. We had a freaking ball. We hunkered down together. We danced all night. We cooked amazing meals. We watched movies. We just made it so fun and just fell, fell, fell for each other.

We had been together for a little over a year and we moved into our first home together.

Pushing for a scan

I called the doctor. They’re like, “This sounds like an injury. I think you’re fine.”

I had a follow-up appointment three weeks later. I was limping and they’re like, “You know, 90% of people have [lower] back pain.” I’m like, “Are you sure I don’t need a scan?” And they’re like, “No.” I’m like, “Okay, okay.” 

I asked my OB-GYN, “Maybe I should get a scan.” I just kept asking everyone and no one thought I needed one. 

I went for chiropractics and yoga and tried to heal it. It kept getting worse to the point where it was so difficult to walk. Some days it would be okay. Because it wasn’t constant, they ruled it out as a recurrence.

Well, I had enough. Again, I hit that same “Enough!” moment and I’m like, “I need a scan. I don’t care. I’m getting the scan.”

I found a spine specialist. He finally ordered a scan. Insurance declined to pay for it because they said it wasn’t medically necessary.

At that point, I’m five years out from cancer and being pronounced physically cancer-free, and I’m like, “But I’m a cancer survivor. What do you mean?” They said, “Okay, fine. We’ll pay for it after you do six weeks of physical therapy.” So I do physical therapy. Later learned that it’s probably doing more damage to my body than healing. It certainly didn’t help. 

Treatment

I did not want a timeline and they didn’t give me one. They’re like, “This is treatable for many years.” I’m like, “Curable?” They’re like, “It’s not curable.” I know [there are] new medications and everything so I still hold out hope for that but, right now, I’m [accepting that] I am on treatment for life until I’m shown differently.

Going back into that world was absolutely crushing at first. I kept it quiet in the beginning. I was such a big sharer before, but I was like, “I need to work through this on my own first. Just my family and my people.”

At the time, my partner [and I] were only a year in. I’m like, “You are free to go. This is the hardest ask of anything. No one’s going to blame you.” I tried to give him every out and he was just like, “I am so in this with you.”

Everyone rallied. It was just beautiful. I had this moment where it was like, “Okay, you know what? This is happening. Whether I like it or not, it’s happening.” And so that turned on that thing in me, that was like, “Make the best of it. It’s happening.” It’s really what I believe. Live life in every way possible. Not to wait on things that [I] really want to do and just embrace what’s in front of me. 

I’ve been living with stage 4 cancer for a year and a half, and I went back into chemo. Two new chemo drugs did a really good job of shrinking things.

I know [there are] new medications and everything so I still hold out hope for that but, right now, I’m [accepting that] I am on treatment for life until I’m shown differently.

Side effects from treatment

With treatment, there are some side effects. They’re very manageable. I’m very immunocompromised. Fatigue and low immunity are the two main things. I learned to let my body rest and not push it. Some days, I can do so much. It’s like, “Yeah!” It’s very exciting. But I’m very much living in the present moment.

Follow-up protocol

I get scans every three months and so far, so good. 

My scans are phenomenal. I’ve had no new growth and I’m really grateful for that. I know it can change. I’m aware of that reality, but I’m trying not to live in the small world of that reality as well. I’m just like *fingers crossed*.

I follow people [who’ve been] around 10, 20, 30 years, and I’m like, yes! I’m going to soak my mind in those miracle stories because that’s what makes me feel good and empowered. I’m well aware of the other ones. It’s medicine for me. It’s mental medicine.

Live now. Live here now. Appreciate being here now. I would not have that perspective if it hadn’t been for cancer. I’m now in year seven of being in cancer treatment and I’m living a really, really beautiful life that I love. And so I love sharing that with people as well.

Just getting answers is important. I’ve had to advocate [at] the beginning of my stage 4 treatment, too. I wasn’t getting called back. It was so confusing. Finally, I was like, “I need to talk to a manager now. This is stage 4. This is my life and I need to know that you guys are on top of this.” And she was wonderful. She [talked] with people and then all of a sudden, I did get a callback right away.

I recognize the medical system is busy. They’re so overworked. This was also [during the] pandemic. I was in a pandemic getting stage 4 cancer. So I have to be aware of that but also take care of myself the best that I can and also take care of my mind.

An advocate for my own mind, my thought patterns, what I’m feeding my mind, and what thoughts are running in there. If they are fearful and stressful [thoughts], I really do bring them to that practice of inquiry and question them so I can have a clear mind going into this process.

When my mind is clear, I’m at peace. I’m open. I’m asking better questions. It’s easier to make decisions. It is easier to do research if I’m not in agreement with something I’m hearing. I can do that from a place of empowerment rather than panic, which I’ve done both. Definitely experienced both but one way is a little more fun than the other.

Speak up and take care of your sweet mind and emotions. We’re going to go all over the place. It will be [a] roller-coaster [at] times as well. Falling apart is such an important part of healing, too. We’re letting those emotions flow through and out of our bodies. It’s not bound up and stuck in there then and that’s so healing as well. I really welcome grief. It’s so natural and necessary in the healing process, too.

If I look at the statistics — which I don’t, but I, unfortunately, come across. If I’m reading an article or [it’s] Breast Cancer Awareness Month, my whole Instagram feed is full of it and I try not to look at it — the odds are not in my favor to be here for very long. But, at the same time, those statistics are based on old medications.

The medication I’m on right now is newer. I haven’t even entered [the] clinical trial phase yet. It’s not based on those medications. For something to become a statistic, it takes years. Years. So it’s old data. It’s not my body. My body isn’t in any of those stats. I have to bring myself back to reality. It’s like, “You’re doing well. Things are disappearing.”

Even though these nightmares happened, it doesn’t have to always be a nightmare. We think of cancer as a death sentence. I look at it like it’s also a life sentence. Let’s really live life and prioritize the things that [we] really want and not wait anymore.

There’s also that pressure [to] do it all now. I can’t do that. My body can’t. My finances can’t. I do have to work with that part of it as well.